Finding your life partner is considered a great achievement. For this, of course, consideration and rigorous testing are also required.
We want a partner whose long-term plans are compatible with our own: someone we feel attracted to, someone we can share a house with, manage finances and have children with. Not a bad experience to do.
This person is considered to be the companion of our life. And naturally we think we’d be very careful in making that decision. But it doesn’t have to be like that. It is very possible that we do not take the necessary time to choose our life partner.
Research shows that because of our hidden biases, we often give a chance to someone who doesn’t meet our needs. And when we finally choose our mate, a metaphysical process starts within us called ‘progression bias’. It means that we prefer to stay in the relationship rather than end it.
In today’s age, many young people are following the trend of living single life on their own instead of getting married. But according to psychologists, we naturally prefer to be in a romantic relationship. Due to the process of evolution and social pressure, we prefer to find a mate rather than living alone.
By learning about the progression bias, we can learn how we choose our partners and why we are ready to spend our entire lives with them, whether it’s happiness or sadness.
Is love at first sight possible?
A 2020 study by the Pew Research Center found that we tend to think of dating as a difficult choice process. In it, 75 percent of Americans admit that meeting someone on a date is a “difficult” task.
Young people are also taking longer to stabilize. Young people now prioritize financial stability more than other age groups and spend more time getting to know each other before marriage.
Samantha Joll, assistant professor of psychology at Western University in Canada, and Goff Macdonald, professor of psychology at the University of Toronto, agree that people think they put a lot of time and effort into choosing a partner, but that’s not true.
In July 2020, he wrote in his paper that thanks to the progression bias, people get into relationships and try to maintain them. In this case, they pay less attention to the process than they think.
This research revealed two kinds of findings: First, there is evidence in many studies that people do not think much about bringing someone new into their romantic life. People are attracted to a wider variety of potential partners than they think.
They agree to conform to their standards and overlook their partner’s flaws. People tend to bond with their potential mates very quickly, regardless of whether or not they might be the perfect partner for them.
For example, Jull and Macdonald conducted an experiment in which they found that in a simulated relationship environment, university students often rejected potential partners who were less attractive or had traits that were ‘deal breakers’ (ie. A condition for breaking the contract)’ should be made.
But these figures suddenly change if they are applied to a real environment rather than a hypothetical one. It turns out that on a romantic level, people don’t take that much trouble in choosing a partner and, on the contrary, feel like they’ve found their life partner after a lot of hard work. They don’t really take much initiative in rejecting someone.
According to another conclusion of this paper, people are more likely to date someone as well as stay in a relationship without thinking about it. They try to improve the relationship instead of ending it.
The pressure of choosing a partner
Experts cite research that says if you’re more emotionally attached to a relationship, it may be more difficult or painful to end it. This suggests that if you are also partners in marriage or finances with your partner, you are less likely to break up the relationship. For example, married people enjoy social benefits such as finding a house to rent relatively easily.
According to Joule, the progression bias corresponds to psychological tendencies that we can observe outside of marital relationships. It’s like you’re not easily willing to let go of something you’ve invested so much into. Or maintaining the status quo rather than disrupting it and losing your peace. Or simply agree on a better way instead of an ideal idea. These biased behaviors are believed to be influenced by two factors: evolutionary processes and cultural norms.
Millions of years ago, if our ancestors had spent more time finding mates, they would have been lonely. And there were evolutionary advantages to living with a partner for a longer period of time: as children would have two parents instead of one, and thus the child’s chance of survival increased.
Alec Bell, a researcher at the University of British Columbia, says that these behaviors can still be seen in us today. In addition to evolution, he researches the psychology of dating and human attraction behaviors.
“In today’s history, some of the benefits of long-term romantic relationships may not be as important as they were in the past,” Bell says. But the pressure to choose a partner in our modern attitudes still has a lingering effect.
Cultural factors are also important here. According to Joule, ‘Marriage is considered the closest relationship in Western civilization. Getting married is considered a personal achievement or a sign of puberty.
Getting married also gives you a place in society. Thus, if people are with anyone, they find it useful to strengthen that relationship, regardless of the quality of that relationship.
Our expectations about romantic relationships also affect our attitudes. A 2021 U-Go survey of 15,000 Americans found that 60 percent of adults believe in the idea of a life partner. This fairy-tale mentality can be harmful, says Joule. Researchers call this ‘belief of fate’, which is why so many of us suffer from progression bias.
“It is often very difficult to admit to yourself that the person you are currently dating could actually be your life partner,” he says.
Finding balance
Staying in a romantic relationship can also be beneficial to us because it means we commit to working things out with a partner.
“Over time, we’re also writing a history of our relationship that includes a narrative of all the things you’ve done together,” says Robert Levinson, professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley. Especially the problems you solved together.” Robert Levinson has researched long-term relationships. “By thinking about all the positives, you can sustain your relationship even when things are not so good,” he says.
Without awareness of the progression bias, people can go down the wrong path and settle for someone who is possibly a bad choice for them. “The downside is that people are forced into relationships they should have gotten out of,” Levinson says.
We live in a modern age where we have countless people to date. “Throughout the evolutionary past, humans have adopted progression bias to suppress their likes and dislikes,” says Bell. But that doesn’t mean we live on our whims, in an age where we meet more than 500 people in a lifetime.
It is important to maintain a balance. Don’t adopt just anyone. But don’t spend your whole life searching for someone who is perfect in every way. Under the evolutionary process, such a person may not exist in the world.
According to experts, it’s more about how you consider things while in a relationship, not overcomplicating the choice process. If you’re unhappy in a relationship but aren’t doing anything about it, chances are you’re suffering from progression bias.
“We found that the best predictor of relationship quality is how people feel about various aspects of the relationship,” according to Joll.
It’s not how you choose a partner that matters, it’s how you form a partnership. It is not helpful to look for a partner who looks great. Early signs can be seen during dating which can indicate that the relationship is good and healthy.